…is the devil. If I thought I had any hope of keeping in touch with my friends without it, I’d delete my account and wear a T-shirt declaring that, ‘No, I’m not on facebook and nor should you be – it’s the new Skynet.’*

Since leaving school I’ve tried to banish certain chapters of my life to the darkest depths of memory. Or more acurately, I’ve tried to rid my thoughts of certain people.

I don’t hate them – or at least, not all of them.** I just hate that they saw me at my weakest, my least dignified and on a few occasions, even in tears. I’m not a member of any alumni groups from Ellon and the only people I’m still in touch with from there are those who’ve taken the time to come looking for me and who I don’t actively despise.

When people suggest ‘friends’ for me on facebook, I inevitably delete the suggestion for fear that someone they know might get in touch and so on. I want as little to do with the accidental-goth I spent my teenage years being as possible. The thought of a network of people who know this false me is hateful and I do what I can to remove myself from it. But somehow, and I don’t know how, this all knowing Skynet-like entity has suggested that I get in touch with someone I once knew, and who has no friends in common with me. So distant have our worlds become since 2003 that I have been known to hide from said person when I see them from a distance in Aberdeen. And the individual that facebook thinks I should contact seems to have made the same efforts to stay hidden as I have… How this mere website knew we’d ever been close I can not understand.

It’s not that I’m afraid of them. There is nothing terrible they could do to me that they haven’t already done. Again, it’s the knowledge that they’ve seen me weak, and that in many cases, that weakness was on thier behalf. Had I been the person I am today, I would have shoved a fork deep into a cavity not designed for entry and left it at that, but back then I just wanted to help.

I run away from them when I see them through an odd combination of shame and tedium. I have changed – grown stronger and wiser. They have not. They are still the same person I left behind so many years ago. They are dull – boring – and I am ashamed that I wasted such a length of time trying to find something good and interesting there.

Sigh. Adolecence should be far easier to dismiss than this. I’m apparently still 17 at heart.

In other news, I’ve decided to apply for nursing degrees. My current qualifications are all pretty useless when it comes to real world applications, and whilst it’s nice being able to mock the women in TK Maxx who talk about “them La Cruit statement pans what can’t get used,” in Danish, it’s hardly a skill that’s going to support me into my dotage.

I’ve always fancied nursing – midwifery in particular – so in the words of Doc Brown, I thought, ‘what the hell?’

We shall see if I get any responses!


* For those who don’t know their Arnie films, see Terminator 1 and 2. Don’t bother with 3. It’s rubbish.
**The orange girl who was on my bus is something of an exception to that though – I wouldn’t put her out were she on fire.