Our central heating is something akin to that in a caravan. Powered by four red gas canisters – which look like those barrels you shoot in House Of The Dead when there are too many zombies to kill with your measly revolver – the Calor Gas heating is usually functional, if a bit wiffy when you turn it on. It’s also got a broken gauge, so you can’t tell when all of the canisters are empty and you need to buy new ones.

We won’t be able to get more gas until Thursday, which would be fine only we’re going up north on Wednesday night. Three days without heating in the snow… how hard can it be?

In other news, S- bought new loo roll last week. Festive loo roll. With reindeer on. And that smells of mince pies. Needless to say that when I do brave a trip to my bathroom (a small and icy lean-to on the side of the kitchen) I am deeply disconcerted at the fact it smells like Christmas treats.